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Dec 21, 2020

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Hang in there, you’re doing so great


Hang in there, you’re doing so great.


Urgh, what a highly emotional few days we’ve had in the UK.  Across the world too but particularly in the UK.


With the announcement that we won’t be able to mix over Christmas in tier 4 with a few hours notice, emotions are running high.


Of course they are.


People had got excited about having some sort of normality in this crazy year and it got taken away, and taken away very quickly.


People were going to be seeing family and loved ones. Or being able to hold up some traditions that they value. Exchange gifts.  


It may not have been handled in the best way, but we also need to remember we never have the full story of anything.  We will make our own assumptions and come to our own conclusions.


But we are where we are right now.  For me that’s tier 4.


For all the people who are now going to be alone over Christmas my heart breaks for you.


I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but please know you are so much stronger than you think.  


I’m so fortunate that we had decided to stay just the two of us (well 3 including Milo) this year so nothing is really changing for us.


We decided early on that we were going to do Christmas in July with my family.


My Dad’s had surgery and is waiting on more treatments so it’s always been the case for me that I'm trying to mix as little as possible so I could see my parents and I accepted that early on.


We’ve got the date in the diary, we’re going to do presents and crackers.


We decided to just shift our perspective on Christmas this year.


I 100% acknowledge how lucky we are.


To be in a beautiful home in the countryside, with each other, with the cosy fire and with the dog.  I feel so incredibly fortunate and grateful for the life we’ve built.


In my opinion I have nothing to feel sad about.  I’m a very pragmatic person.


I look at what’s in front of me, try to see all perspectives and deal with what can be dealt with.


But if I did feel sad, frustrated, angry, or anything else...that wouldn’t be ‘wrong’.  Just because I have it so much better than many others.


You are allowed to feel what you feel.


The good, bad and the ugly.


I always look at things from the point of view of gratitude and perspective.  It’s how my brain is wired.  It didn’t used to be.


I was wired for catastrophising, for feeling like the world was against me.  For feeling like every little thing was the end of the world.  


That Fran wouldn’t have handled Covid very well at all so i’m incredibly grateful for the work i’ve done.


I also know first hand how horrible it can feel to be in that place.


It’s not your fault.


Remember, whoever you are and wherever you are right now.  You’re doing great, keep going.


Whenever something big happens there’s always a lot of noise and opinion.  The anger about a situation gets projected onto other people.


What’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ gets debated.


You can be left feeling confused and invalidated.


Or worse, guilt and shame for what you feel.  Or don’t feel.


If you want to look for gratitude in the situation do that.  


If you want to see the positives, do that without fear of being told you’re practicing ‘toxic positivity’.


There will always be opinions that aren’t the same as yours and that’s ok.


But all I hope for people at the moment is to just be kind to themselves and to other people.


Just think for a moment.  What’s my intention here?  Is it to make myself feel better?  Is it to make someone else feel bad?  What is it really?


Don’t just blindly, unconsciously move through this moment in history reacting.


Be conscious.


People are struggling. 


Other people are fine.


People are angry.


Other people are having a great time. Enjoying a slower pace and being at home.


As long as you are looking after other people’s safety and being conscious of the effects that what you say can have on another person, and yourself.  You do you.


There really is no right or wrong when you operate from that perspective.


Feel what you feel.


So many of us are so disconnected to our feelings, our emotions, how and where we feel them in our bodies.


We try to suppress.


What if you just connected to them, even for a moment.


Lean into them without judgement.


Lean into them with curiosity.


Ask yourself questions.


What is it that I’m feeling right now?


How do I want to feel?


What do I need right now?


What would I love?


What’s one thing I could do for other people right now?


What’s one thing I could do to make myself feel better?


What am I grateful for?


Finishing up 2020 and going into a new year let’s be kinder to ourselves.  Let’s not focus on DO, DO , DO.


Who do you want to BE? Not what do you want to do, who do you want to BE?


What does that person look like?  What do they feel like?


What actions would that person be stopping, and starting?


Your emotions are valid.  


I know there’s the temptation to be caught in a scroll hole on line or be reading angry conversations on facebook and all those things.  I get it.  Just remember it muddies what YOU think.  How YOU feel.


If you’re angry, be angry.


If you’re sad, be sad.


But do it all with awareness.  With curiosity.  With perspective.


Don’t listen to the noise, tune into yourself.


Check in on your single friends. 


Check in on your strong friends. 


What can you do to make the most out of the situation you’re in right now?


I checked in on all my single friends to make sure they’re ok.  There are people doing zoom christmas parties full of singletons, inviting their singleton friends too.


I would LOVE it if lots of stories come out in a few months about relationships being started that way, wouldn’t that be amazing!


I really do live by the philosophy that incredible things can come out of the darkest of times.


I live that way because it’s been so true for me in my life.  Every time.


So, try to stop reading the social feeds, the anger, the ego, the frustration, the confusion and just get clear about how YOU feel and how you’re choosing to react.


Whatever that is is valid.


We also need to remember that certain phrases get bandied about a lot and lose their meaning.  


Toxic positivity for example, is a denial of negative emotions.  It’s a suppression and rejection of negative feelings.


If someone talks about seeing the positive side or talks about perspective, or talks about gratitude.  That’s not necessarily toxic positivity at all.


Just because someone has it worse than you, does not mean you don’t get to feel bad.  


Perspective is hugely important because it can help you reframe a situation.  It’s not about shaming yourself for feeling bad when someone else has it worse.


We’re all wired differently. We all have our own internal interpretations on things.


So if you don’t feel bad, don’t feel bad for that.


If you feel bad, don’t feel bad for feeling bad.


We need to stop shaming our own, and other people’s emotions.


Feel what you feel...but do it consciously.


There’s a big difference.


Stop judging yourself.


Your emotions are valid.


End of story.


Remember if you are on your own and you feel things get really tough there are a tonne of resources available so please, please don’t forget that.


I’ve out my favourite free resources in the UK in a highlights section with the details on my instagram @imfranexcell.


You’re doing so great.


Keep going.